There is a saying I learned from Martha Beck, “How you do one thing is how you do everything.” Life has been giving me gentle lessons again concerning the reality of that saying.
Most (all) of us form patterns for how we will show up in the world, relate to others, act as parents, spouses, friends, etc. Well, sometime when I was but a wee child I decided that the world would end without my help. This belief takes various forms and has various voices, but it pretty much always says something to the effect that catastrophic things will happen unless I help. Disasters of unimaginable magnitudes will befall those I love if I don’t step in and DO SOMETHING. People need me to help them with life or whatever. So I have been “helping” all my remembered life. It is an automatic reaction. It is the filter with which I view much of life. It is how I show up if I am not aware and choosing another response. Trust me when I say that I am much better about this than I used to be, but…. I have recently had some lovely teachers show up in my life to gently point out that, whoops, I still over help and give aid that is not needed, wanted, or asked for.
One of my teachers was a lovely new friend at a recent training that repeatedly set boundaries on my very kind, smiling offers of assistance. Did you notice that I said she did it repeatedly? Yep, sometimes I am not a very quick learner. Let me also say that what I was offering might have been helpful and really was sort of innocuous, but the point was that I had not been asked. This person neither needed, nor wanted my assistance. And that is a very important point. Or rather that is THE point. I offer help when it is not needed or wanted sometimes. It is a Pattern. It is an auto pilot reaction to life and situations and people. So after the third time it began to sink into my awareness and I began to pay attention and get curious. In fact I found it almost comical how easily I do it. I don’t know about you, but once I begin to be aware of something I start to see it in lots of places.
Teacher number two is my ever patient horse, Patch. We have been learning basic dressage together for the last year and a half. We have both been schooled in the old cowboy way of riding – just get on, hold on, and go. So it has been a combination of learning and unlearning. One old habit has particularly died hard for me. It is the habit of leaning forward to begin a canter. It is what I have always done, but in dressage you sit back and let the horse lift you up into the canter. So, for non-riders let me break it down. My old habit was one of “helping” my horse into a canter. And the new habit is to sit back and let him do the work. “What, not help him,” began the voice in my head. “He’s a small horse. What if I’m too heavy for him? And he is an older horse. What if this is too hard for him?” Are you seeing a pattern here? The really interesting part of this is that all those excuses for why Patch needed my help have been going on for months and I never realized that it was part of a pattern of not trusting others to be able to handle things on their own. Would you believe that the canter is getting easier now?
Awareness continues to grow about my need to help. My brain loves to tell me what will happen if I don’t help and why I shouldn’t trust that others are at least as able as I am. I am moving from unconscious reaction to conscious choice.
And as often happens the opportunity to learn keeps showing up. My grown daughter called me the other night. The call came on the heels of a week where she had been feeling sick, coupled with a flat tire, and lots of work deadlines. Her opening line was, “I need my mom.” Uh, Oh! Next she said,”I don’t want to be an adult anymore, I can’t do this.” I took a breath and realized she wasn’t asking to be helped or fixed, she was just needing to vent because life was sort of sucking. I listened to my inner small voice tell stories of huge disasters and then I simply listened, without helping.
Awareness, compassion and desire are the key to responding in a new way and beginning a new pattern.
How you do one thing is how you do anything…until you don’t.
What patterns do you have that don’t serve you anymore?
