Leslie Vanderpool Life Coaching

 

What is Wild Courage?  What does it look like? My friend Carla, and I were talking and we came up with one of my favorite definitions. Wild Courage is finding out the truth instead of believing your own lie. That kind of Courage surely is Wild and deserves to be capitalized.

In the last year my own call to Wild Courage has resulted in some amazing changes both within and without. The challenges have been large and also what we would normally call small.

Nine months ago while sitting on my porch drinking coffee, Wild Courage whispered, “It’s ok to let go.” It was only a whisper but it rocked my soul. I sat crying and wondering. And I whispered back, “Yes.”

Shortly thereafter, my sweetie and I committed to a major move, buying and selling homes in a matter of days. The next few months were a wild and wonderful ride that landed us in a new chapter of our lives. Trust me when I say that I could not have planned a more perfect unfolding. It was hard work. At times it was scary, frustrating, and overwhelming. But it was always RIGHT. That sense of RIGHT was what guided me and provided ease through the unease. It was what calmed my crazy thoughts and overactive brain when I began to question and worry. Support showed up in ways beyond anything I could have wished for.  We wake up each morning startled with how well our new life fits us now and how good that feels.

This week, Wild Courage has looked smaller but no less significant or powerful. It has meant trusting my own energy and intuition on scheduling my day. Wild Courage has meant honoring my own wants and the body I get to live in. What is really important to me? Can I let it be important to me and unimportant to others? Can I live within the limits of my own body and energy, even when it’s inconvenient to someone else?

I have been watching this same process unfold with my clients. Wild Courage is challenging them in new ways. It is asking for a new level of commitment to themselves. Wild Courage always feels expansive and freeing but it also feels a little scary.  Wild Courage sees the truth instead of the lie. Wild Courage rocks the boat.

Because Wild Courage rocks the boat and is challenging, we often need support to take the risk, make the commitment to ourselves, and step out.

I have no idea what Wild Courage you are being called to but I know that it is calling out to more and more of us. Wild Courage may be asking for something big. Or perhaps you are wanting to step out in smaller ways.  It could be that you feel the nudge and you don’t know what it means yet. There is NO Wildly Courageous step that does not change you and your world.

Whatever your situation, if you are feeling the nudge or push to try something new, I would love to help you.

 

 

There is a saying I learned from Martha Beck, “How you do one thing is how you do everything.”   Life has been giving me gentle lessons again concerning the reality of that saying.

Most (all) of us form patterns for how we will show up in the world, relate to others, act as parents, spouses, friends, etc.  Well, sometime when I was but a wee child I decided that the world would end without my help.  This belief takes various forms and has various voices, but it pretty much always says something to the effect that catastrophic things will happen unless I help.  Disasters of unimaginable magnitudes will befall those I love if I don’t step in and DO SOMETHING. People need me to help them with life or whatever.  So I have been “helping” all my remembered life.  It is an automatic reaction. It is the filter with which I view much of life.  It is how I show up if I am not aware and choosing another response. Trust me when I say that I am much better about this than I used to be, but…. I have recently had some lovely teachers show up in my life to gently point out that, whoops, I still over help and give aid that is not needed, wanted, or asked for.

One of my teachers was a lovely new friend at a recent training that repeatedly set boundaries on my very kind, smiling offers of assistance.  Did you notice that I said she did it repeatedly?  Yep, sometimes I am not a very quick learner.  Let me also say that what I was offering might have been helpful and really was sort of innocuous, but the point was that I had not been asked.   This person neither needed, nor wanted my assistance.  And that is a very important point. Or rather that is THE point.  I offer help when it is not needed or wanted sometimes.  It is a Pattern.  It is an auto pilot reaction to life and situations and people.  So after the third time it began to sink into my awareness and I began to pay attention and get curious.  In fact I found it almost comical how easily I do it.  I don’t know about you, but once I begin to be aware of something I start to see it in lots of places.

Teacher number two is my ever patient horse, Patch.  We have been learning basic dressage together for the last year and a half.  We have both been schooled in the old cowboy way of riding – just get on, hold on, and go.  So it has been a combination of learning and unlearning.  One old habit has particularly died hard for me.  It is the habit of leaning forward to begin a canter.  It is what I have always done, but in dressage you sit back and let the horse lift you up into the canter.  So, for non-riders let me break it down.  My old habit was one of “helping” my horse into a canter.  And the new habit is to sit back and let him do the work.    “What, not help him,” began the voice in my head.  “He’s a small horse.  What if I’m too heavy for him?  And he is an older horse.  What if this is too hard for him?”  Are you seeing a pattern here?  The really interesting part of this is that all those excuses for why Patch needed my help have been going on for months and I never realized that it was part of a pattern of not trusting others to be able to handle things on their own.  Would you believe that the canter is getting easier now?

Awareness continues to grow about my need to help.  My brain loves to tell me what will happen if I don’t help and why I shouldn’t trust that others are at least as able as I am.  I am moving from unconscious reaction to conscious choice.

And as often happens the opportunity to learn keeps showing up.  My grown daughter called me the other night.  The call came on the heels of a week where she had been feeling sick, coupled with a flat tire, and lots of work deadlines.  Her opening line was, “I need my mom.”  Uh, Oh!  Next she said,”I don’t want to be an adult anymore, I can’t do this.”   I took a breath and realized she wasn’t asking to be helped or fixed, she was just needing to vent because life was sort of sucking.  I listened to my inner small voice tell stories of huge disasters and then I simply listened, without helping.

Awareness, compassion and desire are the key to responding in a new way and beginning a new pattern.

How you do one thing is how you do anything…until you don’t.

What patterns do you have that don’t serve you anymore?

 

Is it true?  Just three little words but what a difference they can make.  They should go on the list of phrases that rock your world.

I recently began the process of updating a website.  My site was only two years old but it wasn’t feeling like a fit anymore. The problem was that I didn’t know what was a fit.  What did I want to say enough to people that I would create a website for it?  That was turning into a really big and important question for me.  In fact it was stopping me in my tracks.

My original website was created around the theme of desiring, dreaming and finally daring.  It was a process that I had been using in my own life for several years and I felt very strongly that it was both powerful and applicable to most every situation.  But as I approached the blank canvas of a new website I wasn’t so sure anymore.  Is that what I want to say?  Is it still true?  Does it still have juice?  Is there something more relevant that I want to communicate?

Enter those three little words from the Work by Byron Katie designed to help you question your thoughts and beliefs.  Is it true?  They really do sound innocuous, maybe even trite.  Trust me, they are not.  Byron Katie uses the question, “Is it true?” in conjunction with a series of other questions to help us look at our beliefs.  We can see what arguing with reality produces in our lives.  It is a great and powerful process. To do that process justice would take more than this blog is setting out to do.  But if you are interested you can go to her website.

But even the simple question, “Is it true?” began to clarify my thinking and values.   Do I still believe that desire is a huge and maybe the only really productive motivator?  Is it true?  Do I still believe that our dreams and deep wants are a way to know ourselves and who we are in the world?  Is it true?  Do desires and dreams point us toward our purpose?  Is it true?  Do they give us the direction and motivation to take action?  Is it true?  Do they help us pick ourselves up when we fall or get knocked down?  Is it true?  Can they help us transform ourselves and our lives?  Is it true?

I began to work through each question, fear, doubt, belief, etc. that showed up for me.  Is it true?  Each time I asked and listened for my answer I learned more about who I was, what I believed, what I wanted to do, and my purpose.  It doesn’t always happen easily or quickly, but it does happen.  One day you realize you’ve hit bedrock, at least for now.  You know.  It is true.  This is my truth!

 

It took me many months.  Desire + Dream + Dare == Magic.  Rocket fuel.  They are alchemy that transforms you.   That is my truth.

 

I’ve spent the last several days in Little Rock with my daughter.

A couple of weeks ago she asked me to come and help her with some things in her life that weren’t going the way she wanted- she was actually a bit more dramatic than that.  I agreed, and here I am.  It’s been a good visit, but…the truth is it hasn’t all been easy.  I could say that the reason is because of my daughter.  But that would be a big fat lie.  The truth is I have a hard time watching her struggle.  And even saying that isn’t really the truth, because she isn’t struggling, she is figuring out what she wants in her life and asking for help when she wants it. I’m the one who is struggling.  I’m struggling with the thoughts in my head about my daughter and the stories I make up.  For instance, I have a story that says she is having a hard time and she needs, not wants my help.  Without my help I am not sure what will happen (but in my head it is dire).  The only trouble with the story is reality.  Let me tell you a little about my daughter.

She is grown and has lived away from home for the past 8 years.  She graduated magna cum laude with a double major, she was awarded for being an outstanding student in her field, and she has a job (the first one she interviewed for), an apartment, and a group of good friends.  She also plays the piano and violin, has a small greeting card business as a hobby, and just finished a half-marathon.  Does that sound like someone desperate for help?  I don’t think so.  But the stories in my head are worry, doom gloom, disaster, etc.  These stories are not constant or very obvious.   Rather, my brain churns out quiet little tales of woe.

 This didn’t start with my daughter and isn’t limited to her either.  My brain was making up stories about people and situations well before she was born.  The idea that dire things would happen without my help started early in my life.  And because brains love to find patterns, it has kept on finding evidence for that belief.

When my children were very small, the years before I slept through the night again, I had an older friend with teenagers tell me that these would be the easiest years of my life.  I thought she was insane.  In reality there has been an element of truth to that. I found that it is much easier to deal with nighttime feedings and earaches than with my own brain.  One left me physically exhausted the other mentally and emotionally tired.

Needless to say, I have spent more time than I would like worrying about things that never happened or things that were really no big deal.  And even the times when things were a big deal my worry never helped solve the problem, and usually my kids would find a perfect solution without me..

So here I am, once again worrying about my precious child.  But here is what I have learned over the years.  My worry doesn’t help-nope, not a bit, not anyone.  My worry has the opposite effect it signals that I don’t believe in her abilities, makes my body tense and tired, and brings a feeling of control and anxiety to the situation.  And it leaves less room for love.  And love is what I want for both of us.

So I am noticing my anxious feelings and the stories my brain says are true.  I am accepting that I am not perfect and giving myself oodles of compassion.  Finally, I am offering my brain proof of the truth.  Remember all that stuff I told you about my daughter?  Well the evidence suggests that she is pretty capable of figuring out how to do anything she wants to do.  My mantra has become, “All is well.  All will be well.  Everyone is well.  There is nothing and no one that needs fixing.  I might as well go have fun.  FREEDOM!! All is well. (In a Braveheart voice)”.

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“The happiness of you life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” ~ Marcus Aurelius

 

I am not sitting on my porch with Mao this morning..

I am in Little Rock, Arkansas visiting my daughter.  Breakfast this morning was a multi-generational, multinational affair.  Skin colors ranged from my very white to dark brown and lots of shades in between.  Ages similarly ran the gamut from 80’s to very young.  I heard at least four different languages and I’m just guessing ten different nationalities were represented.   We clothed ourselves in everything from tank tops to head coverings.  Not bad for a sleepy southern town.  I loved it. Laughter and smiles were the common language among everyone.  Good will seemed to be the prevailing sentiment.  I watched.  I love to watch.  Families, friends, and couples were all going about the business of breakfast.  I was struck by the sameness within our differences.

Psychologists say that at our core we all have the same needs and experience the same fears (psychopaths excepted).  It doesn’t matter where you live or what your culture.  After basic physical and safety needs, we all want to feel loved and significant.  And we fear anything that might bring the loss of that love and significance.

So if I could strip away the age, the clothes, the language, the skin, the sex, and look into each of the hearts sitting around me they would all look like mine.  They would want food, clothing, shelter, and protection.  They would want to be loved and accepted.  They would want to feel like they mattered.

I think we might all cover our hearts up in different ways, depending on our culture, family, and experiences, and we probably have different strategies to get the love we want and avoid the rejection we fear.  The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and each other would be different, but if we dug down we would find the similarity. I want to feel safe and full.  I want to be loved.  I want to be accepted as me.  I want to matter and contribute.

If you’ve ever flown on an airplane you have heard the flight safety drill, “ In case of emergency an oxygen mask will drop down.  Put on your own mask before attempting to help others.”  Bet you can guess where this is going.  But truth is truth, no matter where it happens to show up.  I can’t love you until I love me.  I can’t accept you until I accept me.  So if I want to love better it has to start with me and then spread.  This is not selfish contrary to what I, and perhaps you, were brought up to believe.  It is a basic principle.  I can’t give what I don’t have.  So today, how will you care for your own heart?  How will you give yourself safety, shelter, food?  How will you give yourself love and acceptance?  How will you feel the truth of your own significance?  Just pick one small action today.  I have a friend who say’s “You turn a ship one degree at a time?”   The first is the hardest.  What’s your one degree today?  Mine is to write this blog (trusting that what I have to say is significant).  And maybe I’ll take a nap later.

“…as I become a better caretaker of myself, I care better for everything.” ~ Sarah Ban Breathmach, Simple Abundance, A Daybook of Comfort and Joy

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